Leg Up

We spent the last week in the merry U.S. of A because our 3 year old, Lanes, had three days off from school and my parents were visiting my sister in Seattle. Monday was a holiday in Canada for Victoria Day, so my long suffering spouse, P, dropped us off last weekend and came back to Canada for his temp job. Lanes and I stayed on until Sunday.

You know your child is a handful when you have to cross borders to keep her entertained: ) Jokes aside, it was good for Lanes to have some quality time with my parents and her antics were an endless source of entertainment for my father in particular.

He had gone for his check up and the nurse was intrigued to meet me—so far I was the phantom daughter everyone kept mentioning. When she walked into the room my sister and I were bickering over where we should put my father’s walking stick and the nurse lamented, ‘oh my, you really are sisters!’.

My father, meanwhile, was blissfully unaware of anything that was going on, having brilliantly left his hearing aid at home. Between the staggering costs of cancer treatment and the devastating side effects of his medications, I think he was feeling rather deflated and not in the mood to hear anything at all.

That day, a really good resident was there and he explained everything in terms we understand and I think that helped a lot. It’s easy to deal with the enemy (cancer) when you know more about it. Despite the ‘unpleasant’ start to the week, we were too busy to wallow in self pity since we were swept up in a flurry of activities at my nieces’ school.

On Thursday evening they had their talent show. We had to get there by 6.30pm for the girls to get ready and then the show would last till about 9pm. I was not sure if Lanes should attend seeing as that’s her dinner/bed time and I didn’t want her to whine or have hissy fit in the middle of the show.

My mom and sister insisted we take her and after much ado, I grudgingly agreed (or rather I had no choice), on the condition that my sister has to deal with any unscheduled drama that may take place. I really didn’t want Lanes to star in a show of her own in the sidelines!

Well, we got there and I saw Lanes’ eyes glaze over with boredom while we were waiting for the show to begin. That glaze is always a prelude to a tantrum. As luck would have it, there was a shortage of seats, and my only consolation was having my brother-in-law (aka ‘Big Daddy’) agree with my thought process involving bringing Lanes to the show.

When the music started, Lanes was intrigued and shrugged off her bad mood, and when her cousins came on, she was delighted. However, she was strongly under the opinion that the girls be in every single number. She sauntered off with my sister and ‘Big Daddy’ and apparently had shouted out to one of her cousins, which luckily people around her found endearing. My niece, on the verge of being a teenager, was fortunately not embarrassed by her one person cheer squad.

Suddenly out of the corner of my eye, I notice Lanes trudging up to me with her pant legs pulled up so high, she was practically giving herself a wedgie! She was stomping along, with her cheeks drooping and a mischievous glint in her eyes, which she had managed to make even larger than normal.

I was mortified! My mother was next to me and she whispered that I should ignore Lanes and make no comments about her attempts to flash the audience. I just wanted to crawl up hide under my chair. Lanes nudged me a little and looked down at her exposed legs, willing me to have a cow about it. When Lanes got no reaction from me, she scowled, smiled and then stomped off again.

My sister smiled benevolently and sashayed behind Lanes. I don’t know what she was smoking. I mean, Lanes doesn’t even go to this school and I was so embarrassed, my cheeks were burning. Next thing we know, Lanes determinedly hiked up her pant legs even more and stalked down the aisle, in full view of everyone!!

Her antics were probably even captured on film since there was a cameraperson strategically positioned right there. I had gone from exasperation to hysteria. My mom and I were stifling our laughs so much we were crying! The three people in the auditorium that were unaware of what Lanes was doing would have thought my mom and I were moved to tears by the performance onstage.

My sister was last seen grinning like she laid a golden egg or something and I believe she eventually caught her before Lanes got on stage. They disappeared for the next 15 numbers, and when the show was over, Lanes was still giving everyone a free show of her legs. She couldn’t look more uncivilized if she tried!

One of the moms near me thought Lanes was hilarious and she came up to talk to me. For a long time, I was trying my best to pretend Lanes was not mine, but alas I found no other brown people to pin her on. Some other moms thought my nutty sister had somehow managed to produce another child.

This is not good news for ‘Big Daddy’ considering Lanes couldn’t look less like him if she tried. She does have a resemblance to my sister though. I could just hear the gossip brewing.

From time to time I could hear my sister boasting ‘this is my baby niece, isn’t she so cute?’. She was parading Lanes and her bare legs around the auditorium, and extracting compliments by force. I wonder why she didn’t show me off too? Hmm.

All in all, my nieces did a fabulous job singing and playing on the piano, completely oblivious to Lanes’ antics (except for the cheering). So in all three girls had a good performance! My sister was so delighted (again, I don’t know what she is on, but I’d like to order some) she said that was the most fun talent show she has been to.

I’m just thankful that we live in Canada and will never have to apply to my nieces’ school. Imagine at the interview—‘yes, wasn’t your child the one who was flashing all the parents and grandparents? We have it on tape!’ And that would be the end of the interview and we would be unceremoniously shown the door—unless there was a vacancy for class clown, I doubt we would have any shot of getting in.

In hindsight, it was really funny and everyone had a good time. We had to go to ‘grandparents and special friends’ day at my nieces’ school the next day, but after the previous night’s entertainment, Lanes and I missed it since we were fast asleep. Lanes had her foot near my ear, and I was dangling off the bed. We were so out of it, we were snoring in sync.

We also got to hang out with Anna, my nieces’ aunt/nanny. She remains convinced that the world is ending, but this time she didn’t corner me about it. She just mysteriously muttered something about the unusual weather patterns being a sign of things to come. Since debating is not allowed, I just nodded in assent. The scary thing is that she is always right anyway.

Each day she brought lilacs and insisted we smell them. I politely sniffed a little and then I told her it was enough since the pollen was bugging us, but she literally stuffed them up my nose. Each nostril was so nicely stuffed with the flowers, I think my nose was cleaned out. Lanes, on the other hand, was delighted and went on sniffing them nonstop.

The next day we picked Anna up and I was trying to get Lanes a snack in the car, but when she got in, she did the shoving of the lilacs up my nose, and thrust them (and a wet tissue so the flowers stay fresh) on my lap for me to hold, ‘delicately’. As P jokes nonstop, I have never done anything ‘delicately’ in my life, so this was to be a challenge.

I had to unzip my bag, find food, open the packaging and hand it all over to Lanes with one hand, while holding onto a bunch of soppy lilacs with the other. I should have tried that trick in the talent show!

It’s now back to the grind. Lanes is off in school today and I have caught a cold—I hope I’m even typing this blog in English. I’m so out of it. I have my second driving lesson tomorrow and it’s too late to change the date. I hope I’m feeling up to it. Maybe when I start sneezing up a storm, the instructor will change the date himself, thereby making me exempt from paying a cancellation fee.

I am grateful now that he has a steering wheel! They way I cling onto the wheel so tightly, I’d probably unwittingly turn it each time I sneeze. I must go get some medicine. More next week…