Street Smarts

I have returned from traumatizing motorists in the greater Vancouver area. This week, I was let loose on the roads not once, but twice! The instructor and I would have looked quite the sight, me clinging onto the steering wheel with crazy eyes wide open maniacally scanning at the intersections and the instructor randomly flailing his arms around and stammering in distress.

I realized that when I'm driving, I’m not breathing most of the time. Surely the lack of oxygen can’t be good. The second day, I had to drive in Vancouver itself and let me tell you I was on pins because the lanes are so narrow, if I was walking on them, I’d have to walk sideways (mostly because I am a wide load).

Strangely, the instructor was flapping around a little less that day. He actually even began to chat, telling me about the latest in dentistry for dogs. Random, but sure beats his usual topic of a hundred and one ways I will fail my road test, which needless to say is a topic I don't much care for, because deep down I knew one hundred and two ways I could fail.

I’m not so sure that knowing how to care for my imaginary dog’s teeth will come in handy for my road test, but as an avid dog lover, I was interested in what he was saying.  I doubt I’ll be asked during my test, as I am about to do one of my many illegal maneuvers, ‘you’re turning left in a one way street and you see a dog with bad gums—what do you do?’.

Just when I saw the instructor in a more humane light, rest assured, he peppered is conversation with warnings, ‘oh four wheels over the white line—fail!’, and ‘you didn’t see a merging sign—fail!’. This last statement was emphasized with some hysterical whacking of the rear view mirror.

I don’t know if he is trying to trick me from time to time to see if I am my own person while driving—like the time he yelled at me to go at a red light, but he suddenly wanted me to change lanes at one point. I told him no way since the car on that lane was speeding and he turned his wheel since I was defiantly holding onto mine.

Net result, the instructor couldn’t turn because that car was going too fast—but the driver did slow down to call me an ‘idiot’. Great. To add insult to injury, as he sped off, we noticed he had a big ‘N’ on his car, indicating he was a new driver. That’s an all time low, even if it’s not my fault, I was a victim of drive-by verbal abuse by someone who was probably only a splattering more experienced than me. Wonderful.

The instructor did his crazy little giggle and went on to say that that guy should be reported since he was a new driver and he was not driving safely and that he could get his license taken away from him after three offenses. Before he made it my fault suddenly, I reminded him that I said it was not a good time to change lanes.

I noticed there was an odd button near the handbrake. I assumed it was an eject button or something crazy like that. I figured he certainly would need it with me as his student. On our way back from Vancouver, some joker decided to cut across two lanes to turn right into a gas station.

He succeeded in dangerously blocking my way, and while I was delighted that there was a bigger moron than me on the road, the instructor was really angry with him, and he began pressing the mystery button. I expected to see torpedoes launching from the car, but it turned out it was just the horn (he didn’t have a horn on the steering wheel on his side).

That took the heat off me since I was accused of speeding right before this incident. No wonder I loved ‘Speedy Gonzales’ when I was a child. Apparently I’m a regular lead foot. No wonder I weigh so much: ) I pleasantly coasted home from then on because the instructor was pointing out loads of people on the road who need their licenses revoked.

Right after asking me which center I want to take my road test, he told me there was an 84 year old lady who has been trying to pass the test for the longest time. She had been to every single driving school in town, including to him, but she kept failing because she wouldn’t turn the wheel the way she had to in order to pass the test, but she refused to change her ways.

The last time she took the test she begged the person testing her to give her the license because she just wanted to go to the grocery store down the road and nowhere else. I hope I don’t wind up like that old lady. I can see it now! Seeing as I turn left for right and right for left, and I hate to follow instructions, I had a terrible sense of foreboding.

Meanwhile I have arrived in Seattle (no fear I was not driving) because it’s my parents’ last week here and I have had a really tough time typing up this blog in between Lanes having various issues and my nutty sister coming and bugging me because she thinks I’m playing on the internet.

As the baby of the family, even if I say I’m typing my blog, which they all thoroughly enjoy no matter what light it casts them in, nothing I do is apparently of any value as I get no respect. I could be finding a way to use potato chips for fuel or creating a serum that guarantees longevity, but it still would be considered trivial because I was the one doing it.

So I must sign off and upload this entry before I run through the house singing ‘R-E-S-P-E-C-T’ out of tune. More blogs from Canada next week...