Drum Roll the Eye Roll

We spent the last weekend in Seattle visiting my nutty sister and her family. As a direct result of our trip, there are dubious photos of me circulating the web, my medications have been mismanaged, and I might have to curtsy to my niece the next time I meet her. This is what happened...

Since we only had one full day for the visit, my sister and I took off for two hours to have some bonding time, and by bonding I mean we went shopping and tried out various outrageous South Asian accents. I was pottering around, enjoy the fact that I was free of supervising my five year old, Lanes, and her conundrum prone father, P.

I was happily cruising the aisles in our favorite store, pretending that it counted towards my mandatory one hour walk. We set off after an hour shopping around, during which time I managed to get the entire life history of the cashier, much to my sister's amazement. She kept telling me that I should work with people because whenever we are together complete strangers initiate detailed conversations with me. Maybe I'll go into telemarketing--but I'd rather have a talk show.

When we got back, P had his e-mail open and I noticed that the attachment to his email was of someone's rear. Since it only comes in sizes only wide angle lenses can capture, I was surprised to find that the bottom in question was mine! My nutty sister had taken a picture of me from behind and e-mailed it to my closest relatives--and spouse! I was horrified.

I can only imagine my parents accidentally resending this picture to people on their contact lists. To top it off I was in a light shade of beige from head to toe. I was not amused. When I exasperatedly asked my sister what she was thinking, she said that I had lost weight on my liver diet and she wanted to show my progress to my parents, spouse and aunt and who knows who else? Probably the mailman and local grocer know too by now.

At that point I did a mental palm to forehead slap and regretted cheating on the diet and eating a brownie and a Skinny Cow since I was 'on holiday' for the weekend. I was meticulous about taking my drops though (I have to put fifteen drops, not more not less, from four vials of meds into half a glass of water an drink it). As usual, the minute I started counting the drops, my nutty sister materialized and started shouting 'twenty four, twenty five, thirty!' and messed everything up for me.

My brother-in-law usually stoops in a corner, weather beaten and silent like a pigeon caught in the rain, when my sister and I are cackling together. One minute we are squawking in discord, then the next we are exchanging clothing and making grand exclamations on how much we miss each other. For the first time, my sister's husband swooped in and told my sister that what she was doing is really mean because this was my health we were talking about after all.

Anticipating her antics, I was counting to fifteen ferociously in my head. I made a mental note to do something nice for my brother-in-law, but sadly those plans backfired in a tremendously hideous way because I clogged up the upstairs toilet and he was last seen bravely going up the stairs with a plunger that has seen better days.

Mortified, yet marvelling at karma, I asked him what I should do to unclog it myself, but he said all that would happen is that I would create a bigger mess. This is true. I thought back to decades ago when he came to ask for my sister's hand and being a jokester then I told him that he had to eat everything that was offered to him lest he wants to offend my parents. I also told him we only take a bath on Tuesdays.

I don't know if he followed the latter bit of advice--he didn't emit any foul odors-- but he certainly was paying the price for eating all kinds of Asian foods.  South Asian moms love to offer second, third, twenty-fifth helpings of any meal.  He was really embarrassed when he flooded the toilet. I don't know if I was outed or if I admitted my guilt in this episode, but nonetheless, I knew one day this would happen to me. It was horrible.

Meanwhile, I took to hiding with my nieces, only to find that the elder one has decided she wants to be known as a Duchess and she has found some websites that are willing to sell titles. I scoffed at first but now I'm thinking I like the ring of being called a Marchioness.

I wonder if we can get a two for one deal somewhere? I think I'm supposed to be talking her out of this,  not aiding and abetting her in procuring royal pretenses. With my luck my title would be Marchioness of Swampwatersidebottomsire or something to that effect.

Meanwhile, I'm back in our crazy a$$ ghetto fabulous apartment, without a title. Lanes went to her ballet class today. Everyone in Seattle is still laughing at us because I accidentally took her to a Traditional Chinese Dance class last week. Her friend's mom, still insisting that she was given false information on the location of the class from someone who works for the recreation center holding the classes, today was convinced that they have swapped teachers on us.

I assured her that there was no big conspiracy and it is indeed the same teacher.  After the class she asked me again in hushed tones if it was a new teacher and then I decided I like this woman because she might be way more clueless than I am.

Meanwhile, I'm delighted that I found a Thai mom at the ballet class. She was delighted I speak Thai and I hope that Lanes and her daughter hit it off and that maybe we can be friends. With kindergarten lurking around the corner, like reflux in my esophagus, I mean like sunshine after the rain, I don't know if we will get too busy. Plus, the ballet classes are over next week. Oh well. Que cera cera.

With that I must sign off. Lanes has lost her second tooth and I have to go and put a coin under her bed. Please stay clear of forwards from my sister, unless you want to see what I look like walking away. I better stick to the diet.  More musings from BC next week...