Felicitations!

This week I put all drama aside and focused on my little girl, Lanes, because she turned four!!  I was so excited and happy about her birthday. It’s so hard to imagine she is getting to be so ‘big’. When she sleeps at night, which is just about the only time she is peaceful and not outsmarting me, her face looks just like it did when she was a wee baby. I couldn’t help but give her some extra squeezes (much to her chagrin) and gurgle about her being ‘my baby’ (to which she screams ‘I’m not a baby!’).

We started out the week really well. My sister’s classmate from high school (and now my friend) and her family were visiting and spent the day with us on Monday.  Lanes got to stay home and she was delighted to have three playmates.  It turns out a lot of museums and centers are closed on Mondays, but we had some fun in the park before we were rained out, and we went up Burnaby Mountain and to a lovely dinner. It was a really nice day and we hope they will stop by again! Hint hint.

On Lanes’ big day I decided to send cupcakes to school. That was not one of my brighter ideas since I didn’t factor my graceful ascent up the hill to drop them off. I was battling the rickety stroller, lassoing a dawdling birthday girl, hiding from the dandelion haired enthusiastic Mandarin-only speaking neighbor, and trying to catch a bus all at the same time. Net result, most of the cupcakes had a face plant.

The good news is that preschoolers are not a discerning bunch when it comes to sugar. They saw cake and colorful frosting and I was the favorite mom for the day. They didn't care that all the icing was splotched together and some of the cakes were dented. They looked like Picasso cupcakes. I wanted to stay and hang out a little but I had to run down the hill to go for one of my infamous driving lessons.

The lesson hung over me like the one storm cloud on a sunny day, determined to rain on my parade.  From now on, I have to drive into Vancouver for my lessons and it makes me super stressed out. I nearly took out a pedestrian (well not really, he was well on his way to the other side—no pun intended) and almost got sideswiped while turning right because I couldn’t see an oncoming van due to the slope of a hill. The instructor was scolding me so much, he was stuttering.

At the end of my lessons,  three things would be possible: a.) I’ll actually get my license, but right now outlook is not so good, b.) I’ll need therapy from the trauma that is my lessons & I’ll stick to using buses, trains or my legs c.) my instructor will need therapy and the shock of dealing with me will cure his narcolepsy. He might be seen carted off in a straight jacked yelling ‘Fail! Fail! Fail!’.

Any old how I was relieved when the lessons were over. I never should have scheduled one for this week, let alone on Lanes’ birthday. I was a little stressed and shaken after my lesson but pulled myself together. Luckily, there were left over cupcakes, and I was right as rain soon after I ate, well, two. As soon as my diligent spouse, P, got home, we took Lanes out so she could have a good time.

She got a gift certificate to ‘Build-A-Bear’ and she had a fabulous time stuffing a white bear with colorful polka dots. Then we took her on a train ride in the mall and we went out to dinner at ‘Red Robin’ where she was delighted because one of the waiters did a wonderful Scooby impersonation and she got a big red balloon. She also got a birthday ice cream, but she was so busy playing, that her father and I had to eat it for her. Hmm. Or should I say yum!

On Saturday we had a party for Lanes at the Burnaby Village Museum. All Lanes wanted for her birthday was a party and a Spiderman cake. All week she was singing ‘Spiderman cake, belly button belly button, Spider man cake’. I question her choice of lyrics, but it was funny to hear her wake up singing this song.  

When we went to order the cake, the lady taking the order put her glasses on top her head, came out from behind the counter, pointed at Lanes and said ‘wait, this cake is for a girl?’. She found it fascinating that a four year old girl was so adamant about Spiderman. That’s Lanes for you. We don’t question her anymore, just go with the flow.

Lanes was delighted when she saw all her friends at her party and I think all the kids enjoyed their two rounds on the carousel (it dates back to 1912).  The weather was kind and it was a fabulous day. The only bad thing was that the red dye from the birthday cake was everywhere.  I had splotches of red icing on my green dress in the most unfortunate places because a certain birthday girl was running around me with sticky fingers.

My parents were finally on their way home to Sri Lanka, via Vancouver. We didn’t know until the day before the party that they wanted to come out of the airport and spend five hours with us. So after everyone went home, we did a mad dash to pick them up. Lanes thought it as a fabulous way to finish off her party. She was really sad when I explained they were only coming for dinner and they have to go back to their own home.

I was wondering if security would pounce on me and tackle me to the ground because by that time we got to the airport, my eyes were popping out of my face due to exhaustion, my hair was defying gravity due to the heat, and I had accumulated even more blood red splotches all over my dress. They would never have guessed it was icing!! But everything turned out ok.

So now all the celebrations are over, and everything is back to ‘normal’.  Lanes is in preschool right now, probably refusing to eat her lunch at this very minute. P is at his temp job,probably praying they will keep him. I am about to sign off and investigate some strange noises that are coming from downstairs. Never know what goes on in our crazy a$$ ghetto fabulous apartment. More madness next week…

Slip Sliding Away

I’m really sorry this update is more than a couple of hours late. Right now I feel more bruised and beaten that a certain media mogul’s ego might be feeling these days (I’m assuming my loyal fans are keeping up with the news). I have succeeded in experiencing an entire battery of boo boos this week.

Since climbing the hill to take my three-year-old, Lanes, to school has proven to be such a challenge, I was pondering the utility of a preschool education. My dutiful spouse, P, rushed to the rescue and secured us a bus route that would take us around the back of the hill. The catch is that we have to go down a rather steep trail that would take us right to the doorstep of the school. As Lanes, rightfully calls it, it’s a ‘ground slide’.

I decided that I would take the bus up the hill and walk down, not only because it is good exercise, but also because to catch the bus on the way back down the hill involves crossing a road that looks like a freeway and I’m rather challenged in the road crossing department. In short, I'm too chicken to.

As we set into a routine, even the bus drivers got used to us. The one on the way to school was always gruff, just like a pirate right out of finishing school.  After he got used to us hoping on every morning, he has taken to greeting us and ensuring that we get off at the right stop (our stop and the stop before ours look deceptively alike).

The driver on the bus I catch when I go to pick Lanes up, appeared to be super surly, but on the third day he very seriously asked me, ‘is this the stop you wanted? You know we don’t stop here anymore right?’.  I must have looked like I was about to pass out as a million thoughts of me struggling up the hill whizzed past my head because he burst out laughing saying that he was kidding and he hasn’t had such a good laugh in years. Apparently, I bring out the psycho comedian in people.

The hill also seems to have other plans for me. With the help of gravity and my natural clumsiness thrown in with a little rain for good measure, it turned to be my Waterloo.  I managed to fall down the hill with all the poise of a hippo going down a water slide and I managed to pick myself up with all the grace of a breeched calf at birth.

All my weight, and let me tell you I’m surprised the ground didn’t shake, fell on my shoulder that was already hurt from a previous injury years ago. I managed to cut my knee and my hand but that was not the worst part. I couldn’t get up!! I must have looked like a baby elephant rolling around in a bath of mud.

After much scrambling and skidding I managed to heave myself up and shrug off debris, twigs, and my dignity from my person.   I managed to limp home, where I proceeded to bump my knee again and slam my head on the fridge twice. Clearly, it was a good day for me to audition for the starring role of a human piñata.

I tried to get some rest but in our crazy a$$ ghetto fabulous joint, there is always something going on. I was cleaning my wounds when it sounded like there was a lawnmower in my living room. Turns out the motor in our fridge, which was actually brand new when we moved in, was on the fritz.

I begrudgingly called it in, and who waltzes in to ‘fix’ it? Mr. Condensation.  He is the most notorious maintenance man in our building because he just looks at a problem and then tells you to let some ‘air circulate, go round and round, it’s not working due to condensation’. 

That’s his solution for everything.  Heater not working?  Open a window, let some air in. Leaking ceiling? Let some air in. So yep, cranky fridge. Let some air in.  I guess that is what he does with all the hot air in between his ears—just lets the air in. He has air molecules for brains.

I had to stay in for him to come and give me these pearls of wisdom. I was in no mood and I had to shoo him away since he was trying to touch all the food in the freezer! I’m really a finicky person, and the thought that he might have just been in someone’s toilet, lifting up the seat of the commode and then asking them to let air circulate, made me literally step in his way and demand that he not touch any food items.

When he left I had to put Lysol on every non-edible surface he touched. I think I’ll have to wait another week and put in another complaint. If only I can figure out the days of the week he is not working, it would be most helpful. As I type this, he is probably looking constipated and narrowly escaping an assault by an irate tenant.

Speaking of which, my close encounters with the prematurely white haired dandelion headed Mandarin-only speaking lady continue.  She springs into my life like a villain in a computer game from the 1980s.  Any old how, scary lady seems to have recruited a sidekick in the form of a rather jovial man who is always in the same outfit: a dark stripped dress shirt, grey dress pants, and a shiny black belt, all rounded off with white running shoes.

She drags him up the hill every morning around the same time that I take Lanes to school.  She must have told him about me because he waves genially at me and I nod back as enthusiastically as I can seeing as we have a language barrier and all.  I like him because he is friendly, and unlike his companion, he does not try capture me to help with cleaning appliances or get me to stake out the mail room in order to pounce on unsuspecting mailmen.

Lanes and I got off the bus the other day, and I was walking gingerly down the path I had slipped on, when who comes bounding up the trail? Dandelion lady, her sidekick, and some other woman they have no doubt picked up and dragged along the way. She spotted me a mile away and excitedly pointed at me and told her friends something.

It was like the time we went to the aquarium and we were looking for the sloth bear that was hiding up a tree, and when I spotted it I was practically bouncing with delight and kept pointing at it till Lanes spotted it.  I felt quite like that sloth bear at that moment.

Lanes was bounding down the trail and there was no way out of the situation. I gritted my teeth and tried to give a pained but big smile. She pointed at the bus stop and shook her head disapprovingly, swiveled her elbows in a movement to indicate jogging and then she rubbed my belly as if hoping for good luck!! No Mandarin was needed for all of us to get the drift that she thinks I need to work out. This is the second (or is it third?) time she has done this to me.

I felt like screaming and running down the hill, pulling out my hair. I pointed at Lanes and pretended I had to catch up with her and extracted myself from the situation.  Any more exposure to this woman and I’d have to start hitting myself in the head out of frustration.

The sad thing is that she always seems genuinely happy to see me. I have no idea why. She practically bounces with joy and points me out to her friends and waves if she can’t come up to me.  Even Lanes doesn’t look that happy to see me after school. I should be delighted that I apparently bring so much joy to someone, but she just drives me absolutely insane.

In between all this, I had my usual frustrating round with my driving instructor. The good news is that apparently he now says that I am ‘the boss’ so I get to drive myself to Lanes’ school  on days I have a driving class, which means I don’t have to get up the hill on the bus or on foot.

I think the instructor thought that I was going to get Lanes and come back in the car because he looked disappointed when I said bye and waved him off. One would think he would have sped off considering I gave him no chances at all to doze off during that session.

I succeeded in doing a fabulous job failing at parking in a lot. I also annoyed him because I used my method of parallel parking and not his and did a splendid job on that.  He wrinkled his nose and said ‘that is such an old fashioned way of parallel parking. Hmf.’  From back in the days I could drive, I remember that was my strong point. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to back into or turn into a spot, which is not good considering that is one of the things that is tested on the driving exam.

We rounded up the week rushing to Seattle on Friday, so that we could spend Saturday with my crazy sister and her brood since it was my parents’ last weekend at her place.  I was in a lot of pain after my various accidents, and in true style my sister tried to give me medications and vitamins. Only thing was that the vitamins had expired in July 2010.

Luckily, knowing my sister, I checked the date before consuming anything. Meanwhile, her husband convinced me to take medications that I could have been allergic to. Apparently, I survived.  Besides these attempts on my life, it was a nice weekend since we had an early birthday celebration for Lanes, and a belated celebration for P.

We had to race back on Sunday and took forever getting across the border…so I must sign off since I am still recovering from my long week. Plus, I decided it was a good idea to do laundry at 10pm, which means I have to brave the elevators in our building to go fetch our clothes.  More adventures next week…plus my baby turns four: ) 

All Uphill & Whee All the Way Down

This has been a really active week for us here in Canada!! As much as I love our scenic neighborhood, being surrounded by mountains and trees and loping knolls, walking up and down hills has proven to be a challenge. All this while, my three-year old Lanes had a ride to school and back, but alas due to a knee operation, the lady who zips her up and down the hill is no longer available. Enter conundrum #147 in the life and times of Me.

So I thought since it is summer and all, it would be good exercise for me to trudge Lanes up the hill since my diligent spouse, P, and I couldn’t find a bus route to take us up there. Well, I just looked it up on google—that’s my solution to everything—I treat it like a crystal ball. The smart thing to do would be to have looked it up on whatever the mass transit page is or better yet, call it in, but that is way too practical for my style. It’s the hard way or the highway! I laugh in the face of common sense!

On day one I put Lanes on her rickety stroller which might or might not hold her for much longer and tried to hoist her up the hill. Oh my goodness. It was the one day the sun was blaring down on us and I think on the way, like a junker car, I was losing parts all the way up the hill. I dropped a lung at the first crossroad, then an artery at another. Sadly, I wasn't shedding anything I wanted to, like my hips or belly.

I wanted become trim and slim by walking uphill, but I don’t think losing weight by shedding vital organs counts. I also don't being deprived of oxygen is good either since I need to conserve what brain cells I have (for when conundrum #148 comes up).  I was gasping for breath and I was further chastised when two retirement aged ladies over took me, breezily chatting about their hairdos and petunias.  I was so out of breath that Lanes voluntarily got off the stroller and walked a little to give me a break!

Coming back down was not such a nightmare, but the thought of doing it all over again when it was time to pick her up left me feeling nauseous and I was close to hitch-hiking since I was alone and not with Lanes. The only thing that kept me from doing so was that my neighbor with the big dog kept me company on part of the way up, thereby providing a distraction and entertainment for me. That and I could hear my mom, sister and aunt’s screaming voices in my head, all yelling ‘are you crazy?’

The next day, also P’s 40^th birthday, yippee, I kept Lanes at home. I would rather entertain a very bored energetic three-year old than climb a hill. It was a sad state of affairs. That night to celebrate, we went out for Greek food and P said he thought he found a bus route for me. It involved going all the way on the back of the hill and then taking a short trail down to the school.

I was rather relieved and obediently went down trail number one. P promised to come fetch me after doing a loop because he had nowhere to stop. The only thing I discovered was some man running up and down the steps doing a very bad Rocky impersonation, complete with grey sweatpants and all.  I wound up in a neighborhood I didn’t recognize and there were so many steps, I unwittingly wound up doing a poor Rocky impersonation myself, but I just looked silly and out of place huffing and puffing in my summer dress.

Eventually, we found the right trail, which was literally a hop, skip and a jump away from the school and all was well. I pretend that walking down the hill is a fabulous work out and so now Lanes is back on her proper school schedule.

At the end of the week, two of my friends from graduate school in DC came over for a visit.  I was super excited, and I think Lanes, who is more or less like an appendage to me, soaked up my enthusiasm too. It was nice to have old friends, who knew me before I was a wife and mom, and loved me despite my crazy come to visit. As Lanes calls her friends, they are ‘my people’. I shall call them Uncle C and Aunty S for purposes of this blog.

We had dinner at our place on Thursday (with no visits from the Fire Department on that day)  and Friday we went to the Vancouver Aquarium where we were dazzled by dolphin shows, a Beluga whale show, a birds of prey show (special for the summer) and all kinds of fun stuff.  FYI, kids three and under are free, but seeing as Lanes is about the size of half a camel, I brought along a copy of her ID. Poor child.

Any old how, the birds of prey show was funny because there was a crow that kept flying out and trying to mess with the fearsome birds. When he flew at the Bald Eagle, the eagle actually swiveled his head and gave him a ‘are you kidding me?’ look. I guess the crow must be doing it all the time since he had a feather missing on his wing. He is either suicidal, has a small bird complex, or is protecting a nest.  Whatever the reason, I hope it ends well for him, or else he is going to have a long summer.

At the Beluga whale show, one of the folks there let Lanes hold a toy Beluga and took it back. She obediently gave it back, but immediately proceeded to beg for one. Aunty S was sure that it was all a plan to get kids to force their parents to stop over at the gift shop.  Never underestimate the power of incessant whining.

Uncle C, deciding it was unfair to give a child a stuffed animal and take it back,  dashed off and got her one and she was rather delighted. She thought he was the bees knees before, but after that I think she was completely smitten. The three days they were here it was amazingly easy to get Lanes to cooperate with anything—all I had to say was that we were going out with Aunty S and Uncle C. 

The next day we went to the Museum of Anthropology. P loves museums and he was more than ecstatic when they announced that there was a tour of the premises. He was in diligent nerd heaven. If only we had a notebook and highlighter for him.  Better yet, a tape recorder or mobile stenographer. Aunty S and he went on the tour and Uncle C, Lanes and I loitered around. We thought Lanes would be handful in a museum, but she seemed to really enjoy the totem poles on display.

It was a lovely large open space and so she enjoyed playing with Uncle C. The walls of the museum were made of glass and it overlooked a lake. All of a sudden a coyote came out of the shrubs (foliage?) and into the water. It was really amazing and made my day.  After the museum, we had to go our separate ways as my friends headed back to the US and we had to find some place to have Lanes’ fourth birthday party.

One of the venues we were thinking of was a miniature train station in Confederation Park, but  they were booked all through July. I must say they were really nice and gave us a call on a Sunday afternoon, no less after P left a message again about free dates.  I would highly recommend stopping by here for anyone visiting Burnaby. Adults can go on the trains with the kids and let me tell you, I don’t know if Lanes or I had more fun on our train ride! I was living my second childhood right there with Lanes: )

So now it’s back to the grind, searching for party venues, apartments, common sense and lost marbles. More musings from Burnaby next week…

Sleepy Days

I am sorry I am a day late and a penny short for this week’s blog episode.  My three year old Lanes was on holiday and that means I’m on super busy mom mode--I am surprised my long suffering spouse, P, didn't walk in to find me toilet papered on a chair. I was so drained, I planned to get online after she fell asleep, but I beat her to it. I was snoring long before she even started to count sheep, and I didn’t even budge when she was poking my eyeballs with her index finger in a fruitless attempt to wake me up.

This week, Lanes had a fieldtrip to Barnet Beach Marine Park.  Who do we bump into on the way there? The dandelion haired Mandarin only speaking lady from my building! She was hiking up the hill where Lanes’ school is, and while my face bared the same expression as a skunk being chased by Pepe Le Pew when I saw her, she beamed with delight and stopped short of hugging me. She must have really missed me!

She appeared with a very well dressed man in tow, who no doubt must have been hoisted up the hill before he knew what happened. She immediately began patting Lanes’ head and started her rapid fire Mandarin at me. I just nodded, I had no idea what I was agreeing to. For all I know, I might have agreed to climb the rest of the hill with her or that I’d loan her a kidney or something.  I was just glad she wasn’t dragging me to the laundry room again.

Luckily, one of the grandpas who was coming on the trip was there and then she tried her Mandarin on him. I think he told her he had no idea who I was and that we were all there to go on a school trip. I saw her gesturing towards the van and I was hoping she wouldn’t jump in. Last thing I needed was to have a one sided conversation with her for the rest of the day. She seems nice and all but between the manhandling, and getting me to do laundry and accost postal workers with her by force, I really don’t see us being friends.

For a fleeting second I debated not going, since it was not mandatory, but seeing as how Lanes and her BFF ‘Evy Anne’ are right royal hooligans when they are together, and we are not water friendly folks I thought it best that I accompany her. Let's just say they are 'independent thinkers'.

I was right to because Evy Anne, also known as ‘Captain Evy Anne’ by Lanes the ‘pirate’, was trying to convince Lanes to walk into the water by herself. My eyes nearly popped out of my head and I was about to transform into a big Mamma Bear (no wonder they warned of bear sightings) . Luckily, Lanes looked at Evy Anne like she was nuts and asked her why she would want her to do that. I’m glad the girl has sense.

The kids enjoyed catching little crabs and collecting them in plastic cups. Well, Lanes got some little boys to do the dirty work for her. The poor little critters must have been terrified. Not to worry, they let them go soon enough, although one kid wanted to take them home and make soup! I was more tired than Lanes, after having spent the day with preschoolers. We did get to see an otter, seagulls, cranes and Canadian geese, so that was fun. Oh and there was a Sea Monster, aka Lanes, on the shore as well.

I had my weekly driving lesson. My narcoleptic drill sergeant of a driving instructor fell asleep again. We had to take a detour since the cops had cordoned off part of the road we were on and he popped off while we were stuck in traffic and I was in the middle of a rant about it. I guess the rhythm of my swearing would have lulled him into a slumber.

When I was trying to turn it was really congested. I thought about not waking him, but then again thought since there was so much traffic, it’s best to give the instructor a jolt. I shouted ‘cops!’ and that got his attention and he didn’t fall asleep again. Mission accomplished.

I did not count how many times he said ‘Fail!’ on this lesson. I just feel like I have one up on him now that he has fallen asleep twice.  I also felt better because I caught as show on TV called “Canada’s Worst Drivers” and it made me feel a whole lot better about myself.

If I don’t improve (meaning the instructor shouts ‘Fail’ less than fifteen times per lesson), I can always audition for that show. And there were folks older than me doing far worse.  So there is hope. I knew I was meant for some reality show somewhere.

We spent the weekend with friends and we were on a mission to get Lanes to sleep in her own room.  P got her a bed and we tried to entice her with fun bedding.  We were showing her cute ones with cupcakes and candy and princesses (the latter of which I am not too fond of), but our Lanes kept chiming in ‘Spider Man’. 

P, hearing not believing her, kept batting on, showing her Dora and Hello Kitty and what not, but she looked at him like ‘listen to me!’.  So we came home with Spider Man pillowcases. We will have to finish the set next week. I can’t tell you how delighted she is with it. The bad thing is that she sits up admiring the pillow case instead of sleeping.

P seems rather confused by the entire thing and seems determined to get her the cupcake  sheets.  Even with toys she prefers monsters and cars, and from time to time she likes to be a cowboy or a ‘scaredy’ monster. I say good for her. Too much pink gives me a headache, so it works for me. I’m sure by the time she goes to kindergarten we’ll be drowning in nothing but Barbie, so I’m going with the flow.

This week I have more dreaded driving lessons and we have to find a place to have Lanes’ birthday party in a couple of weeks. Apartment hunting is on hold as Lanes birthday is taking priority. Having not been to a kids party yet in Canada, we have no idea what to do or what folks expect here. I guess we will learn soon enough!! Until next time…